Stupid or Therapeutic?
I'm trying to decide if what I did today was dumb or if it was therapeutic. My ex, the one that was abusive, lives about 20 minutes from where I am living now. I haven't not been up to that area or anywhere near there since he and I broke up 6 years ago.
Today I ventured up that way. I wanted to go to the mall up there, I had a coupon for a store that was up there and the coupon was only good for today. So I got up, got dressed, did some housework and then headed up to the mall.
When I started my journey, I never imagined anything would have gone wrong. The whole ride up I was dancing in the car and singing along to my CD. Suddenly, I got off the highway and started up a road that was all too familiar. I was looking at familiar stores, restaurants and various other things, all places I had passed practically daily over the course of my 4 year relationship, many of the restaurants eaten in.
As I'm driving up the road towards the mall, I suddenly became aware of the fact that I wasn't breathing very well, I was shaking and I was crying. WTF?? I had no idea that I was experiencing these things while they were happening. I looked down and noticed that the steering wheel was jiggling because I was shaking and that's when I became aware of everything else that I was doing.
I got to the mall, now practically in hysterics. I wasn't even worried about running into the asshole. I have no idea what I was upset about. But I was sitting in the parking lot of the mall crying and shaking. I couldn't get out of the car and I couldn't drive back home. What was a girl to do?
So, I sucked it up, and I got out of the car. I walked towards the mall, shaking, twitching and crying the whole way. Good thing it was empty, because man did I look like a freak. Anyway, I made inside the mall safely and off to the store. Everything melted away as I did my shopping.
However, as soon as I left the store and was back out into the mall I started freaking out again and constantly looking over my shoulder. I really hate living like that. Once I was safely back into my car, I took off for home. Let me tell you, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
I didn't run into my ex, thankfully. But, I don't think that I will be venturing back up there any time soon. When's my next therapy appointment??
So, you decide, stupid or therapeutic?
posted by Leave It To Cleavage at 3:49 PM
6 Comments:
Theraputic but I'm sure scary as hell.
Hugs, Dear.
4:37 PM
Not stupid for sure... Just unexpected I guess... You made it thru though!
2:17 AM
I think I can safely say that I know you better than most people who visit your site. I don't think it was stupid because you can't live your life in a bubble but I don't know how therapeutic it was for you because now you're still scared. Most of the time that something is therapeutic, the person feels better about themselves and things and I don't think that was the case here. I wouldn't shut yourself off from venturing into that area again, just take your time and do it at your own pace.
2:38 AM
Thank you all for your input. I'm proud of myself for following it all the way thru. I had no idea that I would be affected like that and I agree, I can't live my life in a bubble or scared.
Thank you all for your support.
3:55 AM
I'm sorry that being in the geographic vicinity of your ex generated such a reaction.
I trust you will explore the issue with your therapist. Hopefully, he/she will assist you through this circumstance.
You're a lucky person to have so many caring friends on the blog here.
8:01 PM
Therapeutic. I know it scared you - but you need to do it again. And again. And Again. Until you stop shaking and crying and allowing old feelings to limit you. You are in control of your life sweet girl - not the old places that or relationships that haunt you. Trust me on this. Go back.
Love you - K
11:41 AM
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