Thursday, June 30, 2005

Rack Around the Clock

My dear friend Marty, took time from posting on his own blog, The Life of Marty to write me a song, or rather re-write one for me. Thanks Marty!!

Rack Around the Clock w/apologies to Bill Haley

One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rack
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rack
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock rack
We're gonna rack around the clock tonight

Put your joy bags on, join me, Hon
We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one
We're gonna rack around the clock tonight
We're gonna rack, rack, rack, 'til broad daylight
Gonna rack, gonna rack around the clock tonight

When the clock strikes two, three and four
If my hand slows down just yell for moreWe're gonna rack around the clock tonight
We're gonna rack, rack, rack, 'til broad daylight
Gonna rack, gonna rack around the clock tonight

When we get to five, six, and seven
We'll be right in seventh heaven
We're gonna rack around the clock tonight
We're gonna rack, rack, rack, 'til broad daylight
Gonna rack, gonna rack around the clock tonight

When it's eight, nine, ten, eleven too
I'll be goin' strong and so will you
We're gonna rack around the clock tonight
We're gonna rack, rack, rack, 'til broad daylight
Gonna rack, gonna rack around the clock tonight

When the clock strikes twelve, we'll do it thenS
tart a'rackin' round the clock again
We're gonna rack around the clock tonight
We're gonna rack, rack, rack, 'til broad daylight
Gonna rack, gonna rack around the clock tonight

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy Posted by Hello


I came to a horrendous realization today. Actually, I've come to this realization before, but now that I have a blog, I can share it with all of you.

So I'm sitting at work today and I emailed my friend that works with me and ask her the same question that I always ask, "Is it Friday Yet?" Of course today is only Tuesday. And her reply which is always the same, "Think Bigger, Is It Retirement Yet?" To which I reply, only 35 more years to go.

Then I realized that I sit at work day after day wishing the day would go by faster, than that the week would go by faster. Basically, I am sitting at work wishing my life away.

So today I was thinking that there has to be more to life than this. And by this I mean me sitting in front of a computer all day in a cube the size of a breadbox with my cubemates sitting so close that I feel like I should tip them for the lapdance. Then I come home and take care of my dogs and eat dinner and spend more time in front of the computer.

Is there more to life than this?? Someone, please tell me what am I missing out on?? And tell me how I can stop missing out and start living!!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

I'm not talking about this kind of rack!! Posted by Hello

Shelf Rack

Have you ever seen a butt so big that you could actually rest something on top of it and it would stay? That my faithful readers is called shelf butt and I know you all know what I'm talking about. Well, I have a flat butt so don't even think that I'm referring to myself.

However, instead of shelf butt, I have shelf rack. In other words anything that falls off of my fork or spoon en route to my mouth lands on my rack, or my shelf. While many pairs of pants have been saved by this, many shirts have been ruined. In fact, I dare you to find one shirt in my closet that does not have stain in the vicinity that is my rack.

This phenomenon has come to be a running joke with my co-workers as well as my family. Pretty much anyone who's ever eaten with me or who has seen me in person knows exactly what I'm talking about. However, I don't always drop food on myself, I mean I'm not a slob. But sometimes crumbs collect there as well as dropped food and any beverages that get spilled.

So, as you can see having a big rack is not all it's cracked up to be. And when you do see me, please don't stare at any stains that I may have accumulated. And I refuse to wear a bib so don't even suggest it!

Online Dating-One Rack's Perspective

I moved to CT about a year and a half ago all by my lonesome, well except for my furry boys. Everyone else that moved down here had someone, either a husband and kids or a boyfriend or a roommate. But not me, no sirree, I moved down, bought my own house and well, here we are.

So, here I was all alone in my house with my dogs and my family was about 2 hours away. I was lonely and I visited them often. I happened to be visiting around the holidays when I went to a Christmas party with my brother and my sister in law at their neighbor's house. Their neighbor suggested that I join Jdate and well, let's just say it's all been downhill from there.

I joined Jdate in December of 2003 and I ventured into their Lobby, which is one of their chat rooms, and this is where I stayed for about a year and a half. I've met tons of awesome people online and a few in person and I've met far more losers.

Now I did put pictures up of myself online so that people could see what I looked like. I did not post provocative nor did I post any full length ones. In other words, I did not post my rack for the entire world to see.

However, the lack of rackiness did not prevent men from instant messaging me and asking to see my rack on my webcam. But the requests didn't stop there, oh no. I had men messaging me asking me if I wanted their bananas shoved down my knickers. I had one man who contacted me and told me how he wanted to mount me. Yes, he really did say that. I guess hiding behind a computer gives you balls the size of rhinoceros.

Well, after sifting through all of the losers, I made some wonderful female and male friends that I keep in touch with daily. I did date a couple of the losers, but there's not much to say about them. However, all was not lost when I met a very nice man. But that's all I have to say about that and perhaps you will read about him in another post.

I know I haven't put the most positive spin on my whole online dating adventure, but I wouldn't trade the friends that I've made for anything in the world, not even the $24.95 a month fee for the last year a half that I spent in making these friends.

My Dogs Wears One of These, Pathetic Isn't It? Posted by Hello

Blood Stains

Thanks to my beloved Doberman, I know how to clean up blood and get bloodstains out of a beige carpet. My Doberman and his injuries are really a separate post. But I will try to make a really long story short.

My Doberman has a wound on his leg; the vet calls it a lick granuloma. Anyway, he won't stop licking and chewing this thing and on several occasions he has struck a vein. The end result has not been pretty. I don't want to get too graphic, but there have been rivers of blood on my carpets and blood actually squirting through the air.

So what is the key to getting out these bloodstains you ask? Well, first you must remain calm. The best time to clean the blood is when it first happens. I like to soak up as much as possible, and then I wet the paper towel and proceed to blot. When all that is said and done, I whip out the handy dandy Bissell Steam Cleaner, and clean up the rest. Works like a charm every time.

Okay, I realize that this post was kind of gross, but if it just helps one person, then I'm satisfied. A friend suggested that I add to my resume the fact that I am an expert at getting bloodstains out of carpets, but I don't know I'm still debating that one.

By the way, my dog is fine; we're still working on that wound. I'll keep you posted!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

My Rack

Okay, so just in case the title to my blog didn't give it away, I happen to be well endowed in the area of my chest. I'll just come right out and say it, I have a big rack. People stare, mostly men, but people in general.

What really aggravates me is when I'm walking down the street or down the hallway at work and a man is approaching me, I can actually see his head and his eyes drop down to stare at my chest. Now this makes me wonder a few things, one, do the guys really think that I don't notice? And two, could they be any more obvious?

Now some people don't mind the attention. I have to admit on the one hand it's kind of nice to draw that kind of head dropping action, but on the other hand, I would like to be noticed for my other fine attributes.

So, to conclude, looking is okay, staring is a little obnoxious and drooling, well let's not even go there!