Monday, August 28, 2006

Dog Poop & The Second Date-The Dog's Version

Marty was kind enough to re-write my previous post from the dog's perspective. I thought it was very funny. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Thank you Marty!!

I was home all day as usual and boy was I glad to see my bitch, Leave. She came home and was running around like a chicken without a head. She gave me something to eat and took me out to do my business.

I’m looking forward to a nice quiet evening but I noticed that Leave is getting all dressed up. All of a sudden the doorbell rings. I run to the door and start barking. She opens the door and outside is some shmuck. I’m not surprised cause I’ve seen a lot of shmucks at the front door. Leave goes out with this shmuck.

While she’s away, my stomach starts rumbling. Soon enough, they come back and Leave is putting out food for her and the shmuck. Between the looks of this shmuck and the smell of the food, I’m sick to my stomach. Finally, I lose it and take a dump on the kitchen floor. I was so embarrassed, I ran out the door.

When I was a pup, I did that all the time. But here I am beyond that stage and I did it. I really couldn’t face her, I was so humiliated. And she had company as well. OK, the guy looked like a shmuck but that was no reason to take a dump while he was eating.

So we get back to the house and this shmuck is still eating. I have a great sense of smell but to tell you the truth, I couldn’t distinguish between the food and the shit on the floor. How this shmuck was still eating was beyond me! I almost felt like crapping in his food to see if he’d stop eating, but I was in enough trouble already.

I saw this shmuck come by a few more times after that. Then he stopped coming by. I still feel a little guilty every now and then. But it’s a dog’s life!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Dog Poop and The Second Date

I'm back. A great big thanks to my guest bloggers!! I'm always up for another guest post, so let me know anytime you want to be my guest!!

Now, back to the title of this post. Some of you know this story, but I'm going to tell it again, so there.

So, I met this guy online. We had out first date on a Sunday. He took me out to a really nice restaurant. He couldn't wait to see me again. We made plans for the next day for when I got out of work, he would meet me at my house. I flew home, walked and fed the dogs, changed my clothes and then waited.

He showed up right on time. We went out and grabbed some take out chinese food. We go back to my place. So far so good. We get back to my house.

This is the point in the story where I need to tell you what this guy was like. He was Monk. No lie. A complete germophobe. He washed his hands 20 times a day, he vacuumed his apartment everyday and took the trash out everyday. He does not like pets. He was a momma's boy. That part isn't really relevant but I thought that I would throw it in. Oh yeah, he also had no manners.

Anyway, we get back to my house and this is where the story begins. I never ate at my kitchen table and we were about to sit down at the table and eat, so before we sat down I wiped off the table. As I was wiping off the table, my doberman came shuffling into the kitchen. Now he had already gone to the bathroom so I thought he was coming in to say hello. So, I said hi baby, how are you?

The dog continues to walk past me towards the door. Now I had just finished wiping the table, my date was already eating. Yeah I know. I mentioned he had no manners.

So the dog walks towards the door and as he does so, he manages to take an enormous shit right there on the kitchen floor. I freak out and open the door and throw the dog out. My date keeps eating. Now I'm faced with a dilemma. See the dog was done with his business and was now running away because he was just let out and there was no fence and no leash. So my dilemma, chase the dog, or clean up the steamer in the middle of the kitchen. My date? Yeah he was still eating.

I opt to chase after the dog, not because I didn't want to lose him, but mostly because I was humiliated and it seemed like the only way for me to escape this nightmare. I catch the dog, I bring him back inside and yes the steamer is still there on the floor waiting for me. My date? He was still eating.

I go back inside, I clean the steamer. I wash my hands. I put my food in the fridge. I sit down at the table with my head bowed in shame. My date? He finishes his food and leaves the empty container on the table for me to clean up.

Now, I know what you're all thinking. Yes I did see him again after that, but mostly that was because he wanted to see me again. I ended up dating him for two months. He never brought up the steamer incident, but I told everyone. I think my brother nearly peed his pants when I told him the story. His snorting, chuckling response was, the poor guy was trying to choke down his wontons while the dog was leaving a giant wonton behind. It's not that funny in print, it was more funny because my brother was laughing so hard he couldn't spit out the words.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Guest Post #2

Thank you very much to Mr. Fab who did a guest post for me last week. This week's guest post is provided to you by Marty.

Without further ado!!

Nose picking

This is a subject near and dear to my heart or rather my nostrils.

Do you remember in school when certain kids in the class would acquire a reputation for their nose picking talents? I still remember this girl named Daphne who used to pick her nose and eat her find. Yes, it’s gross. But the memory is still there. Hopefully, she’s abandoned this habit and is happily married or in jail. Who knows what early nose picking can lead to? I’m not sure if there’s been studies about the future of grade school nose pickers and what the future holds for them.

How would you feel if your physician was a compulsive nose picker in grade school? Or what about the President of the United States? After that finger has been in his nostril onto the nucular (That’s the way he says it, sorry) bomb?

What’s scary is there are still some people in adulthood who are still compulsive nose pickers.

One of my bosses is so disgusting that not only does he pick his nose but he leaves his find on some of the tax forms that myself and others have to review. How do you handle this? Do you alert the managing partner that his partner is disgusting. In my case no. The reason being because both of these guys are equally disgusting but that’s a topic for another post.

How can you help prevent CPN (compulsive nose picking)? Please make a gift to your local CPN foundation. Hopefully, we can cure this within your lifetime.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Guest Blogger # 1

I have asked Mr. Fabulous to supply my very first guest post and Marty to supply my second one.

Without further ado:

In Appreciation of a Nice Rack

"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You can't stare at it long, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away!"

Jerry Seinfeld

I like boobs. I am not going to apologize for that. I think we men take a lot of undeserved crap for liking boobs, for looking at boobs, for sneaking peaks at cleavage.

“Hey, buddy, my eyes are up here!”

Maybe so, but if my dick was in the center of my forehead you wouldn’t be looking in my eyes, either.

Hey, I am not a pig. I am certainly not a sexist. I treat women, and men, with respect. Well, with as much respect as they deserve, depending on who they are and the circumstances. After all, a lot of people are douchebags, you know.

I don’t make catcalls. I don’t make rude remarks. I to look at them as much as I can without getting caught. Or making it seem like I am looking. What we are talking about here, my friends, is appreciation, not degradation.

Wow. I can rhyme just like Jesse Jackson.

“Why would I be a leg man? I have legs.”

Jerry Seinfeld

I know that breasts do not define a person. I am nowhere near that shallow. Well, okay, I am shallow, but not that kind of shallow. I would never go out with a woman just because she had nice boobs. There are about a hundred things more important than that.

I don’t buy a car because it comes with satellite radio, but if it happens to have satellite radio, so much the better.

I don’t buy a house just because it comes with an in-ground swimming pool. But if it happens to have one, I will enjoy it on a regular basis.

Hey, probably my most favorite actress is Nicole Kidman. I think she is gorgeous. And I have bigger boobs than she does.

So I think, in my twisted little world; that entitles me to gaze cast an appreciating glance here and there.

Let’s put them on the glass here, shall we? We like noticing them, and you like when we notice them, as long as we’re not assholes about it. And that’s okay. It’s a beautiful thing. There is nothing wrong with that as long as we don’t reduce a beautiful, talented, smart, funny, accomplished woman down to a couple of glee globes.*

There is more to life than a nice rack, after all.

For example, Mrs. Fab and I have been together for a long time. And she…

Wait, that’s a bad example. She’s stacked.**

*That was a term brought up by a woman on one of my comments yesterday

**For those of you who are wondering, Mrs. Fab approved this post. I’m not stupid.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Stupid or Therapeutic?

I'm trying to decide if what I did today was dumb or if it was therapeutic. My ex, the one that was abusive, lives about 20 minutes from where I am living now. I haven't not been up to that area or anywhere near there since he and I broke up 6 years ago.

Today I ventured up that way. I wanted to go to the mall up there, I had a coupon for a store that was up there and the coupon was only good for today. So I got up, got dressed, did some housework and then headed up to the mall.

When I started my journey, I never imagined anything would have gone wrong. The whole ride up I was dancing in the car and singing along to my CD. Suddenly, I got off the highway and started up a road that was all too familiar. I was looking at familiar stores, restaurants and various other things, all places I had passed practically daily over the course of my 4 year relationship, many of the restaurants eaten in.

As I'm driving up the road towards the mall, I suddenly became aware of the fact that I wasn't breathing very well, I was shaking and I was crying. WTF?? I had no idea that I was experiencing these things while they were happening. I looked down and noticed that the steering wheel was jiggling because I was shaking and that's when I became aware of everything else that I was doing.

I got to the mall, now practically in hysterics. I wasn't even worried about running into the asshole. I have no idea what I was upset about. But I was sitting in the parking lot of the mall crying and shaking. I couldn't get out of the car and I couldn't drive back home. What was a girl to do?

So, I sucked it up, and I got out of the car. I walked towards the mall, shaking, twitching and crying the whole way. Good thing it was empty, because man did I look like a freak. Anyway, I made inside the mall safely and off to the store. Everything melted away as I did my shopping.

However, as soon as I left the store and was back out into the mall I started freaking out again and constantly looking over my shoulder. I really hate living like that. Once I was safely back into my car, I took off for home. Let me tell you, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I didn't run into my ex, thankfully. But, I don't think that I will be venturing back up there any time soon. When's my next therapy appointment??

So, you decide, stupid or therapeutic?

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Wanted-One Guest Blogger

Even though I talk a lot, I don't have much to say. So as I cruise thru all of your blogs, I've noticed quite a lot of guest blogging. So, with that said, I would like to invite someone to write a guest post on blog.

Is anyone interested?

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


That's it, enough, I've had it. This is my blog, my place where I can say what I want, express myself and share my life with my friends.

This is NOT your personal battleground. I do not, nor will I start monitoring comments. However, I will not tolerate the insulting of other people in the comments or the battling back and forth.

Please take your battles to your respective blogs and keep it off mine. If you think I'm angry now, you're wrong. This is merely a friendly warning.

Thank you for your attention.

The Management

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Stood Up+Blown Off=Extremely Foul Mood

Caution-this is an I hate most men post. I love all my male blogger friends, so you are excluded.

Back in May I went out on a first date with this guy that I had spoken to many times. He lived close by, we went out, it was fun. You may remember the clown car guy post. Anyway, he didn't say much after the date, so I inquired to see if maybe he wanted to go out again. He said yes, but he wanted to meet me at 5:30 in the morning to take the dogs for a walk. Um, I don't think so. Then he wanted to go out after I got out of work, which at the time was 7pm. Now, when I get out of work, I have to scoot home, walk the dogs, feed them and then walk them again real quick. Now, that would bring me to about 8:30. I don't know about the rest of you, but after working a 10 hour day, I am not in the mood to first go out, especially on a 2nd date where you're still in the "impressionable" phase. Am I wrong here?

So, anyway, I was on vacation the following week from the night that I was talking to him and we agreed on the following Tuesday. Now, since I had contacted him, practically asked him for a 2nd date, would it be too unreasonable for me to expect him to call me or at least email me to make arrangements? Well he didn't bother to contact me and blew me off.

I had a date for today. We made the plans 2 weeks ago. I emailed him on Wednesday to make sure that we were still on. He said yes. I called him to make final arrangements as well as sent an email. He never bothered to respond. Not even to email me and make up an excuse. So now I'm blown off again. But he did read my email.

Why do men join dating sites if they don't want to actually meet anyone or go on a date? It's not like I even expect them to pay for me. I always offer to go dutch. WTF??

I mean, I'm not ugly, I have a great sense of humor. I'm fun to be around. I just don't get it. I had thrown in the towel previously on this whole dating thing, and then I decided to give it another go, and this is how it ends up.

All I have to say is, these losers can kiss my ass. I am going to take another break and just work, go to school and play with my puppies. At least my boys love me.

Speaking of my boys, Rocky graduates puppy class this weekend. I'm bringing my camera because she has little graduation caps for them.